fic: Love, Chapter 3

[emilie786]

The third chapter of Love, my companion piece to It Wasn't Love by Spengie.

Title: Love
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Pairing(s)/Relationship(s): Janeway/Chakotay
Characters: Chakotay, Kathryn Janeway
Additional Tags: Star Trek: Voyager
Summary: Chakotay tells the story of his relationship with Kathryn Janeway, from his point of view.

Notes: Again I thank my dear friends who are both my beta readers and cheer readers!  jellybeansarecool, Spengie, Voyagirl47 and Loopdeloup. I've gotten encouragement from others too, and I love you all!

Looking at Captain Janeway felt different.

Yet it still felt like something too close to history repeating itself; like somewhere I was determined I would never go again. I had to set those feelings aside. All my energy and thoughts needed to be directed toward piecing together a functional crew.

I closed my eyes briefly to remember her words from our first meeting. 

“The crew is our biggest responsibility as well as our greatest resource. We have to get them home, and they are our best chance of finding a way home. Every crewmember’s abilities must be utilized to their fullest extent.”

“Aye, Captain,” I had responded, “I'll make sure we do that.”

She had looked up from her screen then, giving me an appraising look. I knew my Starfleet service record was going through her mind. I had been a first officer before, and had been given good reviews.

Then I smiled to reassure her, and something else flashed in her eyes just for a moment. Something that looked like wariness. 

She knew.

I had been a first officer twice. Once on a survey vessel smaller than Voyager, and once on a diplomatic ship with a slightly larger crew complement. That last assignment had been short.

Finally she had given me a brief nod and looked back at her screen, asking me to submit preliminary crew assignments by the end of the week.

Her voice had been--I gave my head a little shake. I had been trying so hard not to be affected by that voice. 

Opening my eyes I looked at the padd on my desk again, scrolling through the crew roster I would be proposing without seeing it. The department heads had all submitted surveys of the training and abilities of the personnel in their departments. I had completed the same questionnaire about my former Maquis crew. I wanted to be impartial and fair, but I was a small part of that equation.

The Maquis were capable, some of them even brilliant, but they were far outnumbered by the surviving members of the crew Starfleet had assigned to Voyager three weeks ago.

Three weeks. Voyager’s crew was still trying to find their footing with each other, as well as trying to appropriately mourn comrades they had known only briefly. The Maquis had served together much longer. Aside from being the outlaws Voyager had been sent to hunt, this could cause the Maquis to become marginalized or even ostracized, while becoming cliquish themselves. All of that had to be prevented.

I glanced at the chronometer on the padd and saw that it was close to dinner time. Taking the crew roster the captain had asked for and a blank padd, I asked the computer for the whereabouts of Captain Janeway. Strangely, because I knew there were no meetings scheduled, the computer said she was in the conference room. 

I walked the few steps down the hall trying to convince myself there was a benign reason for the captain to be in the conference room. What meeting would not include the ship’s first officer? None, in my experience. My job was to be ready to command the ship, this meant I needed to know everything she did about the crew and mission, to the greatest extent possible. Perhaps she was alone in the conference room. A quiet place to work. For any of the other crew that would make sense but she had a ready room for just that purpose. Perhaps she wanted to take in the view from this side of the ship; I really knew so little about her.

I stopped outside the doors when I heard voices. Putting my ear close to the door, careful not to trigger the mechanism that would open it, I recognized Tuvok's voice. His words were clear.

"I recommend the Maquis be observed closely."

I strained to make out the captain's response but her voice was just too soft. A little shiver went through me at the thought of her voice, but I ignored it. Again.

"Yes, including the Commander. He is unpredictable." Tuvok again. After a pause, he continued, "I was never able to determine where his true loyalty lies. I believe he follows his own moral code, if any. I was never able to reliably predict his actions, and unfortunately I am not able to predict what he will do for you now either."

The crew assignment padd in my hand forgotten, I turned away from the conference room doors and walked to the turbo lift, deep in my own thoughts.

I was going to have to watch Captain Janeway more carefully. I needed her to trust me, I needed to be sure I could trust her. Her doubts about my loyalty were probably reasonable; from Tuvok's point of view I must have appeared nearly unhinged at times. Life in the Maquis was hard, and often chaotic. I was honestly still adjusting to the recent change in the pace and tenor of my life. 

I could forgive their caution, if that is all it turned out to be. 

Gaining Captain Janeway's trust was essential, however. How could I show her my vision for our partnership, my hopes of how we could help Voyager's small crew unite and prosper, the need I felt deep within me to help her, and still keep the distance from her that I must? I could not let my past repeat itself; yet, I knew what I felt when I was with Kathryn Janway.

It wasn't love, but it was unlike any attraction I had ever felt. 

Whatever it was or was not, I could not entertain an attraction to the Captain. But while I was continually pushing thoughts of Kathryn Janeway out of my mind, my heart seemed to be making a decision for me. 

Seska had come to my quarters on Voyager four times so far, and I could barely conceal my distaste as I turned her away. Although I put thoughts of the Captain out of my head time after time, no other woman could be acceptable in my heart or, truthfully, in my mind, since I'd met her.

I had my work cut out for me. We had to make this work, she had to take me seriously as her first officer. I knew I'd have to keep my eyes on her: I needed to watch her much more closely than I knew would be wise.